By Sharon Rosenrauch
We’ve all met people who radiate confidence. Those ethereal beings who are resilient and better able to withstand setbacks, who can form secure and honest relationships and, perhaps most frustrating of all, who are realistic in their expectations and less critical of themselves.
Here’s the thing about self-confidence: it is a learned behaviour. It is largely based on the act of choosing what we say to ourselves – something that is entirely within our control. While it’s true that, in part, self-confidence comes from the feeling that the people around us approve of us (which is something we can’t control), what we can control is how we respond and/or how much emphasis we place on others’ opinions.
If this sounds far too simple an approach to solve what is sometimes years of learned self-loathing behaviour, then perhaps this is where some evidence-based insights from the behavioural sciences might assist. Several of the thoughts that undermine – if not entirely diminish – our self-confidence come from systematic errors in judgement.
Research in behavioural science has taught us that we tend to simplify a complex world by using “rules of thumb” or heuristics. While these shortcuts allow us to work efficiently even in the face of complexity, they can quickly become the source of systematic (generally unconscious) errors in our judgment, also known as biases. Despite being commonly applied to economic decision-making, the following behavioural insights may explain how we, at times harshly, evaluate or judge ourselves.
The Role of Context and Social Factors
Do you ever find that your confidence levels alter depending on the context? Imagine being an audience member at a Victoria Secret’s show versus spending time with your family eating dinner around the family table. Any difference? What about if you’re clothes shopping with friends and everyone is having a bit of a pity party about different aspects of themselves they dislike. We’ve all seen the movie Mean Girls and know the scene I’m referring to here.
We tend to copy the actions of those around us to try and conform to a behaviour that we believe to fit the situation – that is, we seek social proof. Social Proof is a psychological phenomenon where we assume the actions of others to reflect what we perceive to be “correct behaviour” for a given situation. In essence, it’s the notion that, since others are doing it, we should be doing it, too. We are constantly looking to others for clues about the ‘right’ way to behave, especially in ambiguous circumstances (“when in Rome”). So then, it’s no wonder that if we find ourselves in an environment where self-hate appears to be the socially accepted norm, that we join in with our own self-deprecating behaviour. Similarly, if we find ourselves in situations where we are unable to find social proof to validate ourselves, that may lead to negative self-talk, which, over time becomes a learned behaviour that can result in negative self-esteem. At the more extreme end of the spectrum, research demonstrates sociocultural pressure can even become a mediator of mental health symptoms in an otherwise healthy population. This often occurs as a result of internalisation (for example, relying on the media as a source of information regarding “acceptable” physical appearance).
Choice architecture refers to the practice of influencing by organising the context in which people make decisions. Marketers know and apply this very well. Here’s how it usually goes. Advertising makes you feel horrible about yourself (“want to get rid of those muffin tops?!”) before swooping in with some AMAZING product that can change your life instantly overnight … all for a very reasonable cost and easily accessible at the check-out where you’d make your usual purchases.
Given all of this, how do we overcome an environment that is set out to thwart our self-confidence?
Limiting Exposure
First thing’s first. We limit our exposure. This may explain why most psychologists argue against young people’s use (or overuse) of social media and other platforms which bombard the end user with messages of unrealistic standards and inadequacy. Exposure isn’t just restricted to the media we consume. It goes beyond that – extending into relationships. If you know that each time you finish an interaction with a certain person (be that a friend, colleague, or partner) you feel just that little bit worse about yourself, then perhaps it’s time to start rethinking how much you allow that person into your life, if at all.
But we can’t just go about blaming the external world for how we feel inside. Remember what we discussed at the start? Self-confidence is the result of complex internal processes, including errors in judgement. So then, how do we start identifying, challenging, and shifting our irrational thoughts?
Changing our Internal Narrative
This is no easy feat. In addition to the environment working against us, our brains can sometimes do the same. Those heuristics we spoke about earlier can be handy in some situations – and disastrous in others. Take for example the process of chunking, whereby our brains like to compress information to make it more digestible. We take a large volume of information, and we chunk it down to process it more easily. This means preferencing some pieces of information while ignoring others to create these “global” categories in our head. We do the same with how we view ourselves.
Humans are complex and there’s quite a bit to us. We might be smart, athletic, forgetful, funny yet awkward in group situations etc. When we chunk information, we may lose some of that nuance which makes us who we are. Just because you tried badminton once and were terrible at it doesn’t make you inherently uncoordinated, or bad at all sports.
The issue is when we start to create these internal narratives they can be difficult to shake. The more we repeat these negative messages to ourselves (“I’m bad at all sports because of my one failed badminton attempt”), the more we begin to believe it, and the less we seek out alternative explanations. As humans, we crave consistency and predictability. Why? Because it’s easier for our brain to have to deal with one narrative than it is having to deal with a bunch of competing messages (remember good old heuristics we discussed earlier).
Selective Attention
Information avoidance refers to situations in which people choose not to obtain knowledge that is freely available. Active information avoidance includes physical avoidance, inattention, the biased interpretation of information, forgetting, and, most commonly, confirmation bias. The latter is the tendency for us to search for, interpret, favour, and recall information in a way that confirms or supports our prior beliefs. Combined, these biases mean that if you’ve established an internal narrative – say, that you are bad at all sports – then you’ll actively seek out information that aligns with that view, while avoiding information that may challenge it.
That all sounds bleak, doesn’t it? So, let’s turn our attention to how to overcome these ingrained dispositions that can lead us to feeling less than ideal. The ultimate weapon against confirmation bias is seeking other viewpoints, especially from people you disagree with. Try another sport with a friend and get them to judge your ability. Gathering objective evidence (hard data) is also a way to challenge your internal discourse. You might want to time yourself going for a run and see how it compares with the average Jo. The mountain of evidence challenging your distorted self-evaluation will start to mount to a point where you can no longer refute it, and some internal thought correction will likely occur.
It is important that if these thoughts persist and begin to interfere with your ability to function, that you consult an appropriately trained professional. The purpose of this article is to get you to pause and self-reflect on the way you speak to yourself. Can you identify any of the errors in judgement we have covered? The first step toward overcoming cognitive biases is to acknowledge that we have them. The great thing about self-awareness is that the more you do it, the better you get. Practising these strategies should not only improve how you judge yourself – but also how you judge others. By implementing the right tools and strategies we can use cognitive bias to our advantage.
This article was edited by Lindsey Horne.
